Have you ever viewed infidelity from the lens of an unbothered wife?
Once upon a time, infidelity in marriages was handled with tears, loud prayers, and numerous family meetings. Now, women are laid back, enjoying the show as it unfolds like a soap opera. It went from dramatic confrontation to quiet observation.
For decades, cheating in marriages has been handled like a crisis. However, in an era where women are learning and relearning social dynamics, many wives are prioritizing their peace and choosing themselves. There’s been a shift. They don’t want to be stressed over the guilt or consequences of someone else’s action. Women have moved on from the societal expectation that they must fight for their marriages and be homemakers at all costs.
Although this doesn’t apply to all married women, four women shared their perspective on infidelity and how they choose to address it.
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“I stopped investigating.” – Ngozi, Lagos
I used to be an investigator. Not the professional one. But I notice everything. I was good at decoding the mood swings, the password changes, the days he would rush to the shower when he got home, and the phone call that made me start digging until I figured out ‘who is who’ on his WhatsApp. When I found out about the first sidechick, I cried. I felt hurt, like I was not enough. I questioned myself about what I wasn’t doing right or not doing at all. I was so determined to be the woman he wants me to be. It took me a while to confront him about it, but as expected, he denied it.
By the third girlfriend, I was exhausted from crying. I mean, I already adjusted my schedule, changed my wardrobe, joined a fitness club in my estate, and even prioritized him above my kids at some point, but it still didn’t change anything. When I heard rumors of his affair with a single mother on our street who was his supposed “gym buddy,” I didn’t flinch. I don’t ask questions about his late nights anymore.
“You’re not angry?” my friends asked me one day. “I was angry before. It didn’t change anything. So I changed.” Now, I sleep well without having to worry about the whereabouts of a man who will choose anything but the comfort of his home. Am I still married? Yes. And he still frolicks around. What matters to me is my peace and the well-being of my kids. Everyone will be fine.
“They kept falling out over commitment issues.” – Nike, Ibadan
When his girlfriend came into my DM, her audacity irritated me. So, I lashed out at him. He left the house. “I can’t cope with this nagging of yours.” Those were his exact words. When he stormed out that night, I thought it was over. I was surprised when he returned home three days later. I got another DM that night—”I don’t need him anymore. You can have your baggage back.” I blocked her, and it seems I blocked my emotions too.
I didn’t involve our families. I didn’t ask how his girlfriend found me or have the boldness to text me. Ironically, they fell out a lot. Because he’s only at home when he’s moody. My sister found out and informed his mother against my warnings to let things be. “What are you doing to fight for your husband?” I swallowed my anger that day and joked about not being a boxer. I simply told her, “I am handling it. I pick up the slack for our feeding and the children’s school fees.” Her advice for me was to keep praying for him.
“I expected a reaction since you saw that text”—Aisha, Abuja
My friend told me how her husband’s escapades spread around her neighborhood like wildfire, and I took the job of pacifier and advisor too seriously. Well, my turn came, and I didn’t take any of my own advice for her. In fact, I didn’t do anything. I was my usual self. I went to work, attended parties, cooked for my family, and served him when he chose to eat at home.
“What is going on?” He asked one day at dinner. He waited patiently for a response while I was at a loss for what he was saying. “I expected a reaction since you saw that text. Why aren’t you saying anything?” I stared at him like a zombie. “I didn’t know I was supposed to react?” What kind of reaction would suit you?” I asked calmly. That was his last meal at home. Surprisingly, he now spends more time at home and plays with the kids. I really don’t care anymore.
“Lord, please don’t let my husband and his girlfriend break up.” – Anonymous
When I posted, “Overheard my husband and his girlfriend arguing today. Lord, please don’t let them break up. My life has been so peaceful” on my Threads feed, and the comments section blew up. Everyone has advice for me on how to send my husband back to his girlfriend before he remembers I exist.
It became so hilarious that my worries faded. It would be a nightmare for him to get back home, and I have to do wifely duties for a cheating man. Someone advised me to send her flowers with his name on them. Another person wants me to pick a fight and remind him why he started cheating in the first place. I was so happy playing the unbothered wife that I really considered taking those suggestions.
“She knows me. I know her. His family knows her.” – Becca, Delta
“Is she going with you?” I asked him quietly. “You know we work together, right?” All his reassurances fell on deaf ears that night. I have learned to stop fighting. I’m not going to let a man make me mad. He can do whatever he wants with his “colleague.” When I found out about the affair, I invited his family over for dinner and dropped the news. “Help me ask him what more he wants from me.” I knelt down with tears rolling down my face. He was full of apologies as his parents chastised him, but the damage has been done. Even if he swears whatever they had was over, I still don’t believe him.
Read Also: “I Honestly Don’t Care Anymore”: 3 Nigerian Women on Marriage Pressure
The Becoming of an Unbothered Wife
One pattern appears across these stories. Women didn’t necessarily stop feeling. They just choose to make themselves unavailable for chaos. In a culture that demands women hold everything together, irrespective of what is happening at the home front, quiet withdrawal seems like a form of endurance, although it might not be healthy.
And this raises a question of why a woman chooses to stop reacting. If a woman stops fighting, is she truly at peace or just no longer expecting anything to change?
