Imagine your family being responsible for your first major heartbreak. It’s not cheating. Not ghosting. Not even a commitment issue. Your family decides that the years you’ve spent committed to this person must come to a sudden end.
Your mother says, “Over my dead body, you cannot marry him.” Your father dares you and threatens to disown you if you disobey him. Family gatherings have suddenly become frequent since you introduced whom you plan to marry.
For many women, especially in Africa, marriage is not just between two people. It’s joining two worlds, families, and cultures together. Presenting a suitor to your family is more than an introduction. It’s like a screening process to get the right candidate for a role. But what do you do when your family doesn’t approve?
The Role of The Family in Relationships
In Lisa’s case, a 31-year-old data analyst based in Lagos, her family is hellbent on not accepting her fiancé, Tobi. Tobi is Muslim, and she’s from a devout Catholic home. Despite convincing her family that she and her fiancé have spoken about it and have reached a compromise, they don’t care. She pushes through daily with heaviness in her heart.
Sometimes, family concerns are valid. They could see a character flaw that can lead to long-term effects. Experience is the best teacher. And like the popular saying goes, “What an elder sees sitting, a child cannot see even if he climbs a tree.” People tend to ignore red flags when they are in love. Sadly, reality doesn’t care about chemistry.
Other times, the objections are not always logical. Sometimes it’s classism, tribalism, religion, or pure control. And everyone expects you to sacrifice your happiness for the family. A lot of women have lost relationships that genuinely made them happy because they don’t want to disappoint their family. They marry the man the family approves of at the expense of their happiness. Truly, family support is great. It can make a relationship easier, but approval is not always proof of compatibility.
There are women who get married based on family approval, and when he turns out to be a monster, all they get is encouragement to endure and hope for the best. Many women are buried under the pressure of “Do you want to put the family to shame?”
However, we cannot romanticize rebellion either. Loving someone against your family’s wish can be emotionally exhausting. A little disagreement looks like an “I told you so” moment. So, you choose silence over sharing.
Making Tough Decisions
When Tobi asked Lisa to marry him, she was convinced her liberal parents would be considerate of her feelings. She wasn’t expecting her mother to say “none of my daughters will be unequally yoked with someone from another faith.” Her father spoke to her in a way he has never spoken to her before. It’s she and her fiancé against the world.
“When I told my mother I was dating a Muslim man, she said she would start prayers and fasting immediately. And she was not joking,” Lisa said. “Every morning, she would call me to remind me that she was praying for me.”
Tobi was everything Lisa prayed for in a partner. Responsible. Patient. Intentional. She started to see a future with him before he asked her to marry him. But religion became the giant shadow hanging over their relationship. Funnily, everyone was warm towards him until they found out about his religion. No one cared about his character afterwards. It didn’t matter anymore.
“Will you convert?”
“What religion will your children follow?”
“Will his family even accept you?”
“The hardest part was that I understood their concerns.” In African homes, religion is rarely just personal belief. It’s a link to identity, community, and legacy. Tobi tried to bridge the gap. He respected her beliefs. Stood by her side at family events even when they acted like she was invisible and her father wouldn’t talk to her. “My mother kept saying I was inviting confusion into my future.”
“For months, I considered moving out of the house to escape the tension and double life I was living. But to where? His house? My father would eventually keep his promise of disowning me.” She chuckled. She was a happy fiancée with Tobi and a guilty daughter at home.
“I retire to the solace of my room every evening when I get back from work. One night, after crying alone, I marched to my mother’s room and opened the door without knocking. I stood by the entrance and asked her if he were Christian but treated me badly, would she prefer that? She stared at me in silence.”
“I decided to do what I thought was the smartest thing by listening to the concerns of my family and separating sentiments from reality.” While she’s trying to win her family over, she remains unsure of his family’s stance about their union. “He claims they wouldn’t mind, but I don’t trust that.” The family rarely hands off in most marriages. She claims it’s the most challenging moment of her life. The indecision. The confusion. The fact that they are all focused on everything except love.
As days pass, distance is building up between her and Tobi. “We are slowly drifting apart. I didn’t know getting our families’ approval would be the toughest part of choosing a life partner. It’s draining.”
