Nobody wakes up one morning and decides to get divorced or rejoices over their dying marriage.
Most marriages don’t die suddenly. It happens slowly. It starts from an unresolved argument. Third-party whispers in the ears of a partner. The marriage is probably over even before the divorce papers are even ready.
That was the case for Kemi and Tunde.
When they got married, they were easily couple goals. Kemi was 28 and Tunde was 32 years old. They were the playful couple at family gatherings. They never miss a matching PJ Christmas shoot. They were the perfect reference when discussions about “good marriages” came up.
6 years later, they were divorced.
And according to Kemi, the divorce wasn’t the shocking part. The shocking part was the signs she missed even though they were hanging like a light bulb in their home. She could trace back when her marriage started failing through five stages.
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5 Stages of a Dying Marriage
1. Disinterest
The first sign wasn’t noticeable. There wasn’t a fight, and no one cheated. She suddenly stopped sharing things with Tunde.
She confided in her sister when she was having issues with her colleague. She didn’t inform him when her mother was hospitalized. When he asked her what was going on, she told him she didn’t think it mattered. Her answer shocked even her. They slowly drifted apart, and she couldn’t tell how it happened.
And the thing with disinterest is you can unintentionally exclude your partner in your life. Life gets busy, especially for African women trying to balance work and family, and that can give room for emotional distance in a marriage.
2. Negative Comparisons
At a point in their marriage, Kemi developed a habit of comparing her husband to other people. When she scrolled online, she compared Tunde to someone else’s husband. She compared her relationship to the perfectly curated couple goals she saw online. She questioned why she and Tunde are no longer how they used to be when they were younger. Other people’s marraiges looked better.
She wants planned spontaneous trips too. “Am I too old for romantic gestures?” she asked herself one day.
Tunde forgets small details. He has never remembered their wedding anniversary. He is always busy with work. She became touchy. Ironically, one of the marriages she admired ended in a cheating scandal.
But by then, the damage had already been done. Like the saying goes, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” It is a game nobody can win.
3. Tension & Intolerance
This is the stage where every conversation feels like a trap. If a simple question like “Have you eaten?” irritates you, you have somehow landed on this stage.
The tension reoccurred between Kemi and Tunde a lot. They rarely held conversations that didn’t lead to arguments. Kmei was peevish a lot, and a simple question sounded like an accusation. When she reacts, Tunde flares up and leaves the house most times.
One Saturday morning, Tunde asked if she’d paid the electricity bill. And they argued for almost an hour. The argument wasn’t even about the Nepa bill. It was just an excuse to pour out their frustration and resentment.
When tension is not handled, it builds into intolerance that carries undiscarded weight from previous fights. A slight trigger can open a can of worms.
4. Independence
At some point, Kemi noticed something strange. She no longer considered Tunde when making plans. Her routine didn’t include him, and she didn’t care if he was attending events without her. She made financial decisions without him. She started believing that they each had a life to live without clinging around together.
Slowly, the longing and excitement started to fade. It frightened her that she was no longer angry. It looked like she was done fighting. Anger means there is something left to fight for. Silence signaled indifference.
5. Disrespect
She didn’t just become “unreasonable.” When Kemi first met Tunde, she admired him. She admired his confidence, ambition, and intelligence, but with time these qualities became arrogance to her. He was no longer the understanding man she married. Her reaction became extreme. His opinions became annoying.
During one family gathering, Tunde was telling a story when Kemi interrupted.
“That’s not even how it happened.” The room went quiet.
Respect is one of the building blocks of a marriage. In their case, the disrespect wasn’t hidden anymore. When admiration leaves a marriage, you stop extending grace to your partner.
Looking back, Kemi knew she shared a portion of the fault. She wished she handled things better.
From the outside, they often look perfectly alive. The real story happened behind closed doors, in moments that seem minor at the time. There was no dramatic incident that announced the end of the marriage. And before any intervention could happen, two people who couldn’t be without each other suddenly became strangers.
But at what point does a struggling marriage become a dying one?
