Question
“Ma, I want to ask… a guy I’m not even in a relationship with yet (and he’s a pastor) asked me if I have ever done an abortion before. He says he wants me as a wife and is asking these questions to know if I’ve done anything that will affect my ability to have children. I really really like him but this question put me off. What should I do?”
~ Joy
Answer (Editor’s Note):
Dear Joy,
Questions like this already tell you the kind of person you are dealing with. First of all, let’s be clear; you are not in a relationship with him yet, and he’s already digging into one of the most personal, sensitive areas of your life. If you ask me, that’s intrusion.
For me, this kind of question is highly unnecessary. It’s a sign that he is not ready to truly invest his time knowing you. A man who is serious about building a future with you, especially at this stage should focus on knowing your values, your character, and your vision for life; not interrogating your past like an investigative police officer.
Never answer these kinds of questions. Even if he were the son of the Pope, the answer should be the same.
NEVER REVEAL TOO MUCH OF YOURSELF, TOO SOON.
Some times, men who start conversations like this are not coming from a place of love. They are manipulative. They’re not interested in growing with you; they are simply looking for a weakness to hold against you.
I know of women who opened up too much, too soon. She shared private details because she felt there was no harm in just answering. Sadly, those details were later used against her, and the “talking stage” ended in pain and betrayal. Worse still, their ‘relationship’ did not progress past the talking stage because he was trying to take advantage of that vulnerability.
My beloved, do not fall into that trap. Tell him to take his questions to God. If he is truly a pastor, then let him ask God to reveal what he needs to know about you.
And let me be clear, it’s not about hiding out of shame. It’s about dignity. A woman is allowed to be mysterious. Your past does not define your worth, and no man has the right to use it as a condition for your future.
Names have been changed to maintain the anonymity of the asker. This column is dedicated to answering the real questions of our readers, with thoughtful responses from our editor, Elohor Ogaga Edafe. To ask your own question, send an email to editor@elowellmax.com.
