Hey Elohor.
I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for over a year now, and with the look of things, he's moving towards proposing. Honestly, he’s a great guy. He’s amazing, but my challenge is that I don’t find him physically attractive. I have always loved and wanted a tall man, but he’s really short. I know this sounds somehow, but I'm short, so marrying a short man will be a huge disservice to our children. This is one of the reasons I am keen on not ending up with a short guy. I have been trying to turn a blind eye on it and focus on his good traits. But no matter what I do, I'm still concerned by this. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I go ahead with the relationship, feeling this way? Do I love him? Maybe, but I think I like him is a better word.
~ Runo
Answer (Editor’s Note):
Desire is important. Attraction to your husband matters because marriage is not always rosy. There will be moments when you feel annoyed, irritated, or upset. One of the big things that keeps those feelings from turning into regret is often that natural pull you feel toward your spouse. When you are drawn to him, even during conflict, you are reminded that he is the person you chose and the person you want. Attraction fuels love in marriage.
Yes, he may be a great man, and yes, he may treat you wonderfully. But if you are already struggling with physical attraction before marriage, that concern will not magically disappear after you say “I do.
It is not wrong to have a preference. No matter how funny or shallow your reasons may sound to others, I do not invalidate them. Attraction is deeply personal, and your preferences are yours. Wanting certain features in a partner does not make you shallow. The only caution is when those desires become unrealistic or based on fantasies. For example, saying you would like a tall man is fine. But going futher to say he must be tall with pink lips, rosy cheeks, broad shoulders, and every detail from a movie character is where it becomes unrealistic.
Often, when we meet someone special, our “taste” adjusts. They may not fit the exact picture we once painted, but their presence reshapes what we thought we wanted. They become our type. That is love at work. But in your case, you are still unsure. You are worried about attraction and even questioning if what you feel is love or just likeness. That tells me you need to slow down and listen to your heart.
Do you love him? Notice your own words: “Maybe, but I think I like him is a better word.” That is your answer. Liking someone is good, but marriage demands more than liking. It demands a love that chooses and also a heart that desires.
Marriage is too important to enter half-heartedly. If you do not feel drawn to him now, it may become harder later, and that is unfair to both you and him. You deserve someone you love, admire, and are attracted to, and he deserves someone who feels the same way about him.
Take your time, but don’t waste his. Don’t silence your feelings. Your heart is telling you something, and it is wise to listen before making such a permanent choice.
Names have been changed to maintain the anonymity of the asker. This column is dedicated to answering the real questions of our readers, with thoughtful responses from our editor, Elohor Ogaga Edafe. To ask your own question, send an email to editor@elowellmax.com.
