“Should I help my fiancé pay my bride price if he can’t afford it for now?” That’s the question a woman asked anonymously on X, and it sounded like rage bait, because I believe she knows what to do. It felt like one of those situations where people already know what to do, but it’s a hard pill to swallow, so they’re just seeking other people’s opinions as a means for justification.
Love is sweet until commitment enters the chat. Everyone’s true colors start to glow. The woman who wants to know “where is this relationship leading?” suddenly becomes a “nag.” The man who wants “more time” is a “red flag.” This is a regular conversation among young Nigerians trying to navigate relationships.
However, some cases are different. The coast is clear, but the ship won’t sail.
You’ve been dating for three years. He dotes on you and ticks all your boxes. You did more than soft-launch on Instagram; his family and friends now call you “our wife.”
Meanwhile, the older you get, the more your mother intensifies the pressure. “When are we going to meet your special friend?” “When are you getting married?” Your aunties come in, and they start to drop hints about ‘the list.’ They encourage you that the bride price can be on a budget. You can just do “something small.”
The engagement list, the bride price items, who you need to visit to seek consent, drinks for the family side you have never met, and miscellaneous that keeps expanding “something small.” Is love still on a budget?
Bride Price: Culture vs. Modern Reality
In Nigeria, bride price is not just a payment. It’s not about the money. Bride price is culture, respect, and family validation. Traditionally, it’s meant to be just a token that symbolizes appreciation for raising the bride well and the new union between both families. Some cultures in Yorubaland even hand the bride price back to their daughters.
But modern reality is adding a twist to the culture. When a man feels pressure by his partner to make their relationship official, panic sets in at some point for most. He can’t afford a wedding ceremony. The truth is staring him in the face, and he has developed cold feet.
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In a society that burdens women with the “body clock” tag and sets marriage as the yardstick for achievement, she starts to look for ways to step in but thinks about what people will say when they hear that she paid her own bride price. And whatever move he makes that doesn’t sound like consent to proceed with wedding plans makes her question if he is a red flag. Because culturally, the man pays the bride price in this part of the world. Not partially, nor splitting it, but in full. In fact, many cultures believe if a man cannot afford the bride price, he may not be ready for marriage.
Truly, times have changed. Some people argue the concept of bride price itself is misogynistic. Do you want to be swayed by progressive ideologies if a bride price culturally establishes the legitimacy of a union and the children it produces?
You probably even earn more than him. You both believe in equality and have been living the rules so far. So, why does the conversation shift when it comes to marriage? What if you try to be the supportive woman who decides to transfer the money to his account? What if you wait till he is ready? What if you handle everything behind the scenes, quietly? You speak to your folks about reducing the list or sorting out some of the items on the list.
Do you know what is at the end of the “What Ifs”? More questions.
You have to ask yourself where this decision leads. You will wonder if you will keep carrying the financial weight alone. Or if you rushed him into something he wasn’t ready for. Whether you accept it or not, bride price signifies readiness. It is used to mark responsibility.
My response to that tweet was “women treat other people’s experiences as mere gist,” and this is why we make the same mistakes someone else has made. We have heard cases of women paying their bride price to cover face for their parents, and it never ends well. Why pay the bride price or have a wedding when he is not emotionally or financially ready to commit? What happens next? Does he automatically become “ready”?
What Kind of Marriage Are You Entering?
Helping him isn’t necessarily wrong. Choosing not to help isn’t automatically right. But you need to ask yourself if what you are about to do is fueled by pressure. Is he responsible or just going through a phase? Is he even ready to commit, or is it time to move on?
Let’s face it, bride price is just the beginning. After that is the wedding, rent, children, and other expenses. How much more are you willing to cover? Are you going to pay for the wedding as well?
The foundation laid now will be amplified in marriage. Are you ready to face the consequences if he sees it as an act of desperation?
Read Also: Dating to Marriage: How Long Is Too Long or Too Soon?
There is no right answer for this actually. If we are to go by the experiences of most women that have tried to help with their bride price, the answer writes itself in capital “NO”!
But love can beat cultural expectations and choose support. If you choose to help, do it with clarity, not desperation. Do it with confidence, not fear. Make sure it is something you want, not succumbing to the pressure of a patriarchal society.
At the end of the day, it is about the kind of life you are about to step into. It is about weighing the effect of your actions and what you both are truly ready for.
