Belated Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone who celebrated. The love was visible. There were many thoughtful presents, bold declarations, and cheerful memories. It was beautiful. Yet beyond the eventful atmosphere that Valentine’s Day brings, one cannot help but wish that love extended deeper than a single day of expression.
On Valentine’s night, I helped my friend curate items for one of her clients who ordered packages for five different girlfriends. The event shocked me, but it also made me pause. It raised an unsettling question: how would those women feel, believing they were loved, only to discover the affection was an illusion? Because that is what we are creating right now — illusions. Simply a mirage.
It would be painful to trace where it all began. The unprocessed hurts from ships that sailed south. The upbringing that left us unsure of what love really is. The self-love and attention we failed to give ourselves. The parts of our identity we never truly addressed.
To accept that such a thing has happened would mean breaking the perfect mirage we have created. And God forbid we do that. There is no need to be unpleasant when it seems to be working. As long as the deeper parts of our hearts stay closed, no one can hurt us again. The lessons have been learned and tattooed into the soul. Once bitten, forever shy.
And so the cycle continues.
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The Fear of Love That Shapes Our Relationships
The patterns are obvious. As long as nothing touches the wound, everything seems fine. At least it looks fine. Sometimes it even feels fine, and we hold on to that. How did we get here?
It often begins quietly. You accept the bare minimum because you believe that is what you deserve. You tolerate values and habits you are not comfortable with. And the answer you give yourself is, Why not? Anything that looks like deep commitment becomes frightening. You cannot tell if it is real. You begin to believe you must bring something extraordinary to the table to be loved.
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Does love even still exist?
What truly scares me is that we may not notice this happening. After a while, you realize the problem is recycled men and women. People who placed a temporary bandage on wounds that needed healing, then moved on with life. The same breakup reasons. The same attractions. The same red flags. Until it is time to settle down.
Then security becomes the goal. Someone manageable. Someone who will not scratch the surface too deeply. A union is formed. But the wound is still there.
This is the hidden fear I face. What if I meet someone in this cycle? Or what if I become that someone?
It is like drinking poison because a mosquito bit you. You try to make your blood toxic to protect yourself, but the poison harms you in the process.
Some of us may not drink poison. That feels extreme. Instead, we obsess over mosquitoes. We trust nothing. We believe only what our anxious minds tell us. Plus, there will be many memes and tweets that support this mindset. We gravitate toward it and slowly become people with padlocked hearts.
Friends cannot reach you. And we pity the partner who tries.
At the end of the day, real connections are not made. Deep conversations are avoided. The words that need to be said or heard never come out. So you settle for the person who will not dig too deep. The one where you stay in control. Because it feels safer than removing the bandage from an old wound. Where would you even begin?
Where does healing begin?
Acceptance and Forgiveness
I do not think there are exact steps everyone must follow. Healing looks different for each person. But there are paths we must cross. One of them is acceptance.
Sometimes what hurts the most is not even the person or the event. Yes, at first you may hate them. But as you replay everything in your mind, you realize you are really angry at yourself.
How did I fall for that?
I should have known better.
I could have prevented it.
We look inward at our supposed deficiencies and exaggerate them to feel worse.
But it does not matter whether you were right or wrong in the first place. This hurt has become a thick thorn in your heart. It can affect how you love, how you trust, and even how you parent. So acceptance is necessary.
Man was never made to be completely self-sufficient. If you think you are not perfect, that is because no one is. There is a Creator who is all-sufficient. Lean into acceptance.
From acceptance comes forgiveness. Forgiveness is not pretending it did not hurt. It is not minimizing the matter. It hurt deeply. Forgiveness is deciding to let go and reminding your heart of that decision until the weight reduces. It is choosing to free your mind from constant painful replays.
When you do this, you may feel better at first. Then there will be days when it feels raw again, as though it happened yesterday. Healing is holding on through those days and trusting they will pass.
So should you forgive and forget? Should you lower your guard and risk being hurt again?
The forgetting part of forgiveness does not mean you suddenly erase the memory. Real forgetting is when reminders no longer hurt you or control your mood. When your chest does not tighten at the mention of their name. When their posts do not disturb your peace. When seeing them with others does not trigger anxiety.
That is when you know you are moving on. It is the stage where you look back and smile at how far you have come.
That is where the cycle breaks.
Choosing Love Without Fear
And when you eventually enter a new relationship, you are cautious — and rightfully so — yet healed. You can receive love and give love. You understand love better because you realize how loved you already are by God. Your self-love remains intact from that truth.
There may still be moments when old emotions are triggered. Some parts of healing only occur while living your life forward. But now, you respond differently to those triggers. You see clearly.
Valentine’s Day comes once a year. But love is every day. Choosing to heal. Choosing to love yourself enough to let go. Choosing to love and receive love without fear. That is what truly makes life beautiful. This is the real love.
