Your 20s are sold to you as the best years of your life. No one tells you they can also be the loneliest. Ever been through a rough breakup? You probably think I mean a romantic relationship breakup—well, I mean a friendship breakup.
Your 20s are often considered a prime phase filled with endless possibilities, ambition, friendships, late nights, and the fast life with little consequences because you are seen as young and vibrant. In your 20s, there are no restrictions as to how far you want to dream, with friends influencing one or two decisions—career paths, cities to move to, and even the kind of lifestyle to pursue.
But somewhere between schooling, graduating, choosing and changing career paths, and navigating relationships, reality sets in with a feeling of loneliness that only a few people have the courage to acknowledge.
The Expectation of Your 20s
For some of us, our 20s were envisioned long before we got there, with standards framed by movies, social media, trends, and even the expectations of parents—friendships would blossom stronger, careers would flourish with every step, and life would keep getting better.
But in reality, these expectations are sometimes met with disappointment and feelings of inadequacy.
Friendship dynamics change; some move to different cities, and conversations about the past fade as they take paths completely different from yours. The ones you once shared everything with slowly become distant—the conversations become shorter, with fewer words, until time and distance gradually widen the gap.
Adulthood comes with so many unplanned surprises, one of which is how quickly people move in different directions. While yours may be career-building, someone else is getting married, another is starting a business, and some others are flying around the world. The highlight? Social media amplifies these differences, and with every scroll, you see achievements, vacations, new apartments, proposals, and even wedding preparations—everything seems to be happening at the same time.
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Beyond comparison, there is pressure—so much pressure to catch up and not be left behind. Some of it is subtle, and other forms are more direct.
For women, especially in Africa, questions about marriage and settling down become frequent topics in conversations with parents and elders, because the mindset is, “Your 20s is the best time to settle down.”
The loneliness of this decade also appears as self-doubt, with questions of whether you are doing enough or too little compared to your peers in the same age bracket. Friends who seem way ahead begin to limit communication, claiming to be too occupied, and the only time you see updates about them is online.
This loneliness becomes difficult to acknowledge when it co-exists with success, meaning you could be doing very well in your job or career path and still feel disconnected and inadequate.
Your 20s: A Transition, Not Failure
Early adulthood should be a phase of learning, relearning, and unlearning. For these processes to take place, you must be prepared to face setbacks—and this does not mean that something is wrong.
In many ways, this phase of life is largely defined by transition. It is a time of discovery, finding stability, with relationships changing and evolving. So even if you lose one or two friendships along the way, it is okay to move on and make stronger connections and bonds with people who align with your dreams and ambitions.
Over time, you begin to realize that your 20s are not about having everything figured out but a learning phase that shapes the rest of your future. And while this phase may not be vibrant or the perfect online-curated version, there will inevitably be moments of confusion, comparison, and uncertainty—but one thing that will be present with consistency is growth.
This decade-long phase is not a race to having it all together; rather, it is a season of becoming. Even the friendships that fade during this decade are reminders of growth and alignment of purpose. Because sometimes, in the stillness of these lonely moments, there will be clarity to make informed decisions—and you will watch it get better with time.
